You can't read me like an open tumblr book.

Dear Future me,

Do you remember the times, where your commitment issues has caused you to loose out on life experiences?
Do you remember the times, your passivity costed your 19 years of living to be deemed meaningless and fruitless?
Do you remember the times you were naive to believe that “good things come to those who wait.”

Well, let me tell you something dear,
contrary to popular belief, “good things come to people who go out and fucking earn it.”
Do you remember the pain and misery you afflicted upon yourself?
Do you?

Step out. Venture.
Have a CLEAR plan on what you wish to do.

Remember dear, “good things come to those who go out and fucking earn it.”
May history not repeat it self.

Yours sincerely,
Your present self

Mother instilled fear in me.
Sometimes, I feel like a pariah.

Doubt and fear fills my heart,

Instead of determinacy and faith.

The price I’m paying for my King,

Is it this huge?

I am afraid of my incompatibility. 

I am afraid of my circumstances.

In this walk of faith,
Will I reach my destination?

My ever contested faith,
Will it bear fruits of your desire?

Jesus, make a covenant with me. 
Never leave me alone, when you leave.

As I was medicating your words,
I grew immensely ponderous of your plan for me.
I remember telling you that submitting to the course of A’levels was the biggest sacrifice I’ve done for you.
I was indeed wrong.
I got reminded of love, relationships and elements that makes the us beings, warm, gentle, vulnerable and humane.
Only then did I realise your plan for me.

Recently, I’m not myself.
Feels like I’m undergoing some sort of change, catalyst reaction.

Maybe the demons are residing in me.
Shhhhhh
They make me do undesirable things.
It’s like a battle between the mind and soul,
and it’s the devil that reigns every time.
But, I will not submit to this,
this undesirable thing.

I am tinted.
But that doesn’t mean that I won’t distill the devil out of my soul.

Guard your watchdogs Lucifer,
I am coming for you.
For, I am not the saint who offers my left cheek.

I have very interesting world views yet lack the ability to pen it down pristinely.

I happened to chance upon one my senior’s blog, someone who has graduated from IJC just a year ago. I’ve met her once during my Icon Ambassador days and ever since aspired to be somewhat like her despite the ‘bad reputation’ she had in school. I liked her passion, that, was seething out of her eyes. I would always see her around school having consultations and truly believed she would do well in As. The vibe she gave me was indeed an astounding one. Somehow, which still is a mystery to me, she served as a reminder me to keep myself grounded and persistent. I saw the making of “beauty and brains” in her. Profound.